A man stopped at
his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man
next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with
the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He
leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little
ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink
your shot & beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking
good, I'm heading home!"

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"