A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

This woman is driving
into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in
front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy
runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts
screwing it.
"Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees
the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar.
"It figures," she says as she storms inside.
The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting
in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar
with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run
over some cowboy sodomizing an animal.... and then ...I come in here ...and see
this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote
at his age, do ya?"