this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

Paddy and his two
friends are talking at work. His first friend says:"I think my wife is having
an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters
under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the
other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."